
Coming Out
As I thought of this, I recalled many years ago when I was pushed into a pool. I was shocked. I was completely immersed. I was reactive.
Just what do I mean by “Love,” let alone “into Love?” I think I mean all of them: highest Love that knows no distinction, mother Love embodied in The One, erotic Love from the most primal, romantic Love, obsessive, heady, dreamy.
What delights! Where does one end and the next begin…
This was precipitated by an exercise (or at least that’s the point I recognize). An exercise to be available to what is typically not.
Sidebar: The room was filled with about 30 of us, mostly in pairs. We were Sitters and Breathers. Sitters supported Breathers as they tried to make themselves available to holotropic states of consciousness.
I am a Caregiver. I absolutely am fulfilled by caretaking – I believe mostly in a healthy way, but I suspect I bring my light and my shadows everywhere with me.
So, I got to be a Sitter first. Perfect! Support services is a place of connection, competence and comfortability.
The first request of my Breather was to “Move Back.” I knew that was coming, as I was aware I had positioned myself “too close.”
My friend, my charge, had an incredible experience! I knew almost nothing of the specifics of her “trip,” but I was peripherally connected to her.
I was happy in my position. Our leaders/guides/facilitators at one point introduced pillows between the floor and her slamming arms and fists (a beautiful act of “protecting”). My Breather immediately and violently removed the pillows. Thank you, but no thank you!
At another point one of our leaders held my friend in the most loving matriarchal embrace. Mother embracing Mother. Two in an unending lineage. I was completely engaged, present and fulfilled, connected to this individual’s un-shareable experience!
Next, we swapped roles. Whereas my friend had told me, “Two breaths and I was gone,” I did not enter into my experience so gracefully!
So, what was salient to my Breathwork experience? Well, it’s somewhat paradoxical. My inner journey required outer connection. Just as I had brought completely unconditional support, presence and engagement to my Breather, that is what I felt from the soul next to me. What is important for me is that I was eventually able to access some deep fundamental fear, pain and sadness that has never been safe for me to access. I also was the recipient of amazing intuitive support from one of our leaders. Complete support behind me. Complete support guiding me.
A transcendent experience. Quite enlightening, quite confusing. I fell into Love with my Sitter.