Reflections on Dreamshadow® Breathwork Workshop
by Irene Murray
Yesterday morning I breathed during the Dreamshadow® Transpersonal Breathwork workshop for the first time. Earlier we did quite a lot of group activity to deepen into the feeling tone of the workshop. This was not a didactic experience by and large, but there was learning going on in the sharing and in the insights that others offered about their experience, and feedback and observations of what we witnessed. Lenny Gibson (one of the co-founders along with Elizabeth Gibson) gave a talk on Friday evening upon our arrival on the origins of holotropic breathwork, and some of what he has garnered along the way.
I was a ‘sitter’ for Sara for the breathing on Saturday. There was one breathing session on each of the two days which lasted for 3-4 hours. Being a sitter was an eye opener for me as a new person to this process. I watched not only Sara but some of the other breathers in the large room arrayed on comfy little mat-beds scattered like small islands of safety.
The music ran the gamut of stirring to violent, empowering to questioning, and soothing to restful in a sequence. The music helped in two ways that I could discern: first it helped to camouflage distractions to some degree, and second it stimulated the body/mind to visit different places within. It was very well arranged.
Watching Sara taught me some things about her as I watched her struggle with her process and with letting go. Witnessing others throughout the room gave me an idea of some of the variability of experience that the human psyche/body allows to emerge within a safe and encouraging environment filled with support and scaffolded with a technique to deepen the experience. The time spent watching went surprisingly quickly; I am never able to sit for long and it was no problem to ‘be present’ and vigilant on Sara’s behalf. Once or twice, I was unsure of what to do so I deferred to the facilitators and they moved in to give her some assistance in deepening or moving towards a catharsis. Not knowing what was best was a hard thing for me to sit with.
When it was my turn to be a ‘breather’, I was nervous. I do deep breathing in yoga and in meditation but not with this kind of wrap-around encouragement to go deeper and exaggerate whatever it is that is happening. It turned out to be a strange and primal experience for me. I will write some words about it, but it is what is left in my body is really what is most real to me.
First there was a short relaxation led by Elizabeth followed by the instruction to breathe deeply, as hard and as quickly as possible. I was doing that, and the music started and somehow one of my hands started to vibrate. I knew at that moment, I could push the movement away, make it stop but I thought, ‘let’s see what happens here’ so I just let it go and soon my body was off and running on its own. For quite some time I had the release of just moving with the music and then I started to feel a vibration inside my throat which was kind of deep and guttural sounding in my mind. I never really had any pictures in this experience, it was all sensation and essential words that escaped from me in various tones and potency over the next couple of hours, interspersed with times of rest. In between, I would try once more to breathe deeply and then something would well up again, mostly anger and sadness. Profound sadness.
Words were “NO” (repeated), there were also just screams and the word “PLEASE” in utter supplication. I know I moved around on the mat some, and I just let my body have its way with me as I tried to just follow what it was asking of me. I then received a re-mothering session from Teresa (facilitator) where I did call out for my “Mommy” and told her “I didn’t do anything wrong”. Teresa then did some bodywork on my neck and heart which was another way of just being in my body and noticing what I was feeling. (I did feel a little self-conscious allowing myself such an indulgence…why? Not sure…maybe it is hard for me to be the taker?)
At the last part of the experience, Elizabeth came to me and using touch and words helped me again to express some of the very primal pain. I know I repeated, “I’m so sorry” over and over, and even now this brings me to tears to remember it. I then rested before going to work on the painting/drawing of a mandala which I got a clear picture of at the end, so was fine with that part of the process. Drawing free hand to express a concept is not something that is always easy for me.
For the next hour or so I really didn’t want to talk to anyone. Sara (my sitter) went to the cafeteria and brought me some lunch. Her kindness touched me deeply. I was touched with kindness in many ways throughout the weekend, even being able to go, to have this in my life was a huge gift from my son and Ronit. And not about the actual cost part, but about the openness of sharing this experience with me, just of the offering it to me. I am achy just thinking about it. A good achy.
We processed in small groups after each session, which was affirming in another whole way. Part of what made this experience so ‘vital’ was the quality and depth of the sharing. It was a bit jarring to go back into ‘the regular world’ as we headed home last evening. I know it will fade in the coming days and weeks, and it was one of my outstanding life experiences so far.
