Transformational Journeys through Holotropic Breathwork

Transformational Journeys through Holotropic Breathwork

By Patricia van Dijkhuizen

The Journey Begins

Five years ago, contemplating transitioning from a life as an international development practitioner with postings in countries as diverse as France, Papua New Guinea, the Netherlands, Tajikistan, USA, and Yemen, I embarked on a journey that to my surprise led to the deep exploration of consciousness. I had always promised myself I would retire from international development just before turning 60 and immerse myself in another area which could potentially improve the lives of human beings. I had noted the increasing levels of anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideation among the younger generation in the USA, the country where I would be settling. I could not understand why a country with a well-developed mental health system appeared to be failing so many people. With the left hemisphere of my brain well-honed after years of economic analytical training, I decided to take a deep dive to find out!Around the same time, I also read Micael Pollan’s book, How to Change Your Mind, providing some answers to my intellectual quest, and which referred to a new psychedelic training and research program by the California Institute for Integral Studies (CIIS) for licensed health professionals. As an economist I clearly did not have the credentials to be eligible, so what to do? Obtain a Master’s in Social Work (MSW) and a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) license of course!

Little did I know that I was embarking on a journey that would allow me to develop the right hemisphere of my brain through painting, meditation, breathwork, ecstatic dancing, and psychedelics, enabling the exploration of other realms, the contours of which I was only vaguely familiar with through more than 25 years of astral projection (although I did not know that is what I was doing).

Signpost to Dreamshadow

While working as a MSW behavioral health intern at a community health center on Cape Cod, MA, I participated in a MDMA assisted psychotherapy workshop led by Annie and Michael Mithoefer at the Horizon Conference held in New York City in 2021. I was psychedelically naïve and had heard about holotropic breathwork as a way to prepare participants for psychedelic journeys. I asked Annie with whom I could train, and she kindly led me to Dreamshadow. Annie and Michael had trained together with Dreamshadow’s founders, Elizabeth and Lenny Gibson, during a holotropic breath workshop held by Stan Grof nearly 40 years earlier.

I promptly subscribed to the Dreamshadow newsletter, and participated in the Pendle Hill weekend workshop in September 2022, the first such workshop open to the public since the start of Covid-19 pandemic. By that time, I had my first psilocybin journey, had a spontaneous spiritual awakening while spending a week in a dune shack in Province Lands, MA, was a student in the Synthesis Psychedelic Practitioner Training, had obtained my MSW and was studying for the LCSW in Massachusetts. I had hypothesized that holotropic breathwork could be helpful for those contemplating psychedelic journeys, and who wanted a “taster” of what such a journey could be like, yet not quite relinquishing control as one would with a plant medicine, as one could return to normal breathing if the journey was too intense.

To my delight, I discovered that holotropic breathwork is much more than a taster! It is a veritable feast of being part of an extraordinary loving community, where one absorbs and practices the deep learnings of the Gibsons, whether related to breathwork theory and practice, or philosophical exploration of consciousness. Furthermore, Lenny is the best DJ that I had met on the east coast of the USA, with his incredible selection of world music to guide us on our holotropic way. Who knew that dancing on one’s back, blindfolded, could be such fun!

What particularly stood out for me was the creative expression of the journey through a mandala, which means circle in Sanskrit, and which traditionally has been used to reflect inner journeys in the Buddhist and Hindu traditions. As a result, during the last year or so I have incorporated mandalas in my work both as an emerging artist as well as an apprentice of exceptional states of consciousness.

Expressive Renderings of Unfolding Path

Expressive renderings are a wonderful way to integrate insights gained during journeys, whether through dreams, holotropic breathwork, meditation, nature immersion or psychedelics. Words are often inadequate to describe what Joseph Campbell (2014) calls a hero’s journey, traveling to the under, middle and/or upper worlds, where one may experience intense pain and/or divine bliss with the realization that “agape,” Greek for unconditional love, is the ultimate energy at the core of reality. I typically draw when I have just emerged from an inner journey, still in a luminal state, expressing the sense of what I have just experienced with oil pastels on paper, which then is complemented by journaling. I then use the drawing and journal entries to create an oil painting in my studio. Below are mandalas of the holotropic breath journeys with Dreamshadow, with a brief reflection on what insight each of the mandalas represent.

Journey 1: Pendle Hill, PA, weekend workshop, September 2022

Mending Broken Wing – oil on canvas – 12” by 12”

Message: There is Work to be Done!

During the journey I had numerous births and rebirths, either an oceanic floating feeling as in the womb (Basic Perinatal Matrix (BPM) I), traveling through the birth canal with ease (BPM III) to emerge as a bird, flapping wings, soaring high in the universe sparkling with stars, and being flooded with light (BPM IV) (Grof, 2010, p. 13). The final rebirth required bodywork on my shoulder during BPM III, which I interpreted as the mending of a broken wing before I could fully stretch my wings to their full span and travel to the furthest light.

At no time did I experience BPM II, where one feels stuck before the opening of the cervix (Grof, 2010, p. 13). Getting there, being bathed in the light, I was so happy and at peace, yet then received the message: “It’s time to go down again, there is work to be done.” I spluttered, “I worked so hard to get here” and was firmly told, “you know where to find us.” I reluctantly reversed the birth rebirth experience, going down, down, down, taking the opportunity to try and find my shadow that could represent unacknowledged and/or repressed dark parts of my personality (Jung, 1969), taking to heart Lenny’s remark to “never miss an opportunity for self-annihilation ” Yet I only met kind eyes full of encouragement and love as I floated down back to the earthly realm. Such experiences of being sent back from the light to the earth are not uncommon (Grof, 2006, p 165), and I reflected that I both had to continue working on myself, as I was wondering whether I was spiritually bypassing, as well as supporting others in their personal growth.

Journey 2: Pawlet, VT, 5-day facilitator training workshop, November 2022

Unconditional Love – oil on canvas – 12” by 12”

Message: No Bad Parts

The journey showed me that “good” and “evil” exist side by side and can be integrated through unconditional love. In the background are the faces of possible ancestors, or spirits, who even when looking ominous and threatening, when I approached them with love and humility, dissolved in smiling loving faces. The joining of the bird of the upper world and alligator/serpent from the lower world is a symbol that could indicate transformation. In many cultures, the snake’s mouth taking hold of its tail represents transformation. While in the Sepik River basin in Papua New Guinea, a place where Margaret Mead pursued her anthropological work and which I visited, the crocodile joining with the bird is seen in the carvings of the wood pillars of the long houses where young men are prepared for their initiation which involves carving of crocodile markings (without anesthetics) on their skin. Such an initiation rite involves great pain and can result in a young person experiencing an expanded state of consciousness (Grof, 2006, p. 37).

I continued to reflect whether I was spiritually bypassing as no shadows could be found, and reflected on Jung’s assertion that “Man becomes whole, integrated, calm, fertile, and happy when (and only when) the process of individuation is complete when the conscious and the unconscious have learned to live at peace and to complement one another.” — Carl Jung, Man And His Symbol

Journey 3: Pawlet, VT, 5-day facilitator training workshop, November 2022

Swimming to the Furthest Shore – oil on canvas – 12” by 12”

Message: Focus as the Way to Connect to Greater Consciousness

Before the journey I had reflected on connecting with greater consciousness through intense focus, leaving the past and future behind, and being open to whatever emerges. I also reflected that the BPM IV experiences in breathwork to date were very similar to what I had experienced through intense focus on a purple light in my mind’s eye when I woke up during the night for nearly 30 years. When I could not go back to sleep, I would go and “travel”, which I recently learned was shamanic upperworld travel and/or astral projection. Unlike holotropic breathwork, I could enter this expanded state of consciousness with normal breathing.

Given these reflections, an image appeared during the journey, where one swims in a river of tears to the furthest shore until no one swims, as unity with greater consciousness is achieved. The white bird frequently appears in my mandalas, as often I feel I am a bird, flapping its wings gracefully as it glides through the cosmos. In psychedelic journeys, I am often a little bird, nestled in the feathers of a large, majestic bird who shows me different realms, allows me to fly by myself at times to explore, and when exhausted, offers me a comfortable resting place in its feathers as it flies, and flies, and flies.

Journey 4: Brandon, VT, weekend workshop, April 2023

Somersaulting Shadows – pastel on paper – 12” by 18”

Message: There are No Shadows

The journey was blissful, traveling at the speed of light through tunnels until I was in the void studded with sparkling purple diamonds, which engulfed me with light. On my quest to find my shadows, I discovered that wherever I looked for something that appeared ominous, upon entering the tunnels, they were clear and hollow, and at one point shapes appeared to be somersaulting with joy as there was not a shadow to be found. As my journeys are all transpersonal, and not autobiographical, it may be that if and when I do have an autobiographical journey, shadows may appear, and I am fully open to experiencing such shadows. However, for now, it appears that through my ability of intense focus, honed by years of nighttime “travel”, I am able to transcend “conventional spatial boundaries,” thereby “reclaiming my identity with the cosmic network and consciously experience any aspect of its existence.” (Grof, 1985, p. 67).

Journey 5: Pawlet, VT, 5-day facilitator training workshop, August 2023

Going Home – pastel on paper – 10” by 10”

Message: Hidden Secret and a Friar

During this journey, again I traveled at the speed of light through tunnels, and this time was flooded with light coming from a UFO, and which felt like a temporary home coming. I interpreted the receiving of light as energy that would allow me to support human beings in finding ways to self-regulate at as the onslaught of the ever-faster approaching apocalypse is increasingly being felt on planet earth. Such self-regulation, not succumbing to hatred and greed, realizing the interconnectedness of all beings, could possibly be a counterweight to what appears to be inevitable entropy of the earthly realm.

The journey also indicated that there was a secret to be found deep in a cave, of which I only saw a partial image that appeared green and red as well as a friar in a brown robe with a white woven belt. The face of a friar has appeared before, once when listening to a story about the conquest of the Aztecs.

Journey 6: Pendle Hill, PA, 9-day facilitator training workshop, September 2023

Diamond Luminosity: Birth of Future Being – pastel on paper – 10”by 10”

Message: Volution – Space and Time is a Construct

During the journey, my womb was pulsating with energy, as if pregnant, and again flooded with light. When I look at the drawing now, it appears as if I am being impregnated with light, diamond luminosity, which is everywhere. I explored a shadow and went through a dark tunnel which allowed me to see an ocean of human bodies being swept away, as if in a tsunami. I asked to get me out of there, I had seen enough, and was taken back to a state of bliss, where a translucent green rectangular box appeared in which appeared to be a large luminous egg, possibly the cosmic egg of Colombian Kogi tradition, a concept of which I was not yet aware. The dancing musical notes represent joy, which I had also experienced in psilocybin journeys in Costa Rica a month earlier. The Kogis are also warning human beings of imminent danger if not immediate action is taken.

Journey 7: Pendle Hill, PA, 9-day facilitator training workshop, September 2023

Into the Void: Beyond Piti – Pastel on paper – 10” by 10”

Message: Bliss

During this journey, I felt I was moving beyond the purple bliss of the initial layer of interconnected consciousness into what Grof et al. (2010) describes as the “Supracosmic and Meta cosmic void (Sanskrit sunyata), primordial emptiness and Nothingness that is consciousness itself “(p 14). The drawing shows emerging out of the V diamond luminosity and some grey clouds, neither of which I perceived as being concrete forms, and as I traveled further even these disappeared, so that there was nothing and emptiness. Stan Grof talks about the void being paradoxical, neither containing concrete forms, yet at the same time containing all potential for creation of form (Grof et al., 2010, p. 14).

Conclusion

Through holotropic breathwork I have discovered how powerful expressive renderings in the form of mandalas can be to integrate the experiences one has during the journeys, facilitating insights, days, weeks, months, and possibly even years after the journey. As the path continuous to unfold, I am intensely grateful how Dreamshadow®’s holotropic breathwork has furthered my spiritual awakening, and at the same time created an opportunity for becoming part of an extraordinary community where all are welcome as we explore together the wonder of all life and its interconnectedness.

References

Campbell, J. (2014). The Hero’s Journey. New World Library.

Grof, S. (1985). Beyond the Brain. State University of New York Press.

Grof, S. (2006). The Ultimate Journey: Consciousness and the Mystery of Death. MAPS.

Grof, S., & Grof, C. (2010). Holotropic Breathwork. State University of New York Press.

Jung, C. G. (1969). Aion Researches into the Phenomenology of the Self (2nd ed.). Princeton.

Jung, C.G. (1997). Man and His Symbols. Bantam Doubleday Dell Publishing Group.

Naiman, R. (2016). Healing Night: The Science and Spirit of Sleeping, Dreaming, and Awakening (2^nd ed). CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform.

Pollan, M. (2019). How to Change Your Mind: The New Science of Psychedelics. Penguin Books.