Trusting the Process

Trusting the process

You can, and you must

Because part of the process

Is building that trust

(excerpt from Trust the Process – poem by: Lindsey T. Owens)

Process. What is the process? I have come to believe that “the process” includes collectively all processes within and without ourselves that we may encounter along life’s journey. As human beings, we come to experience our process through our minds, bodies, and souls, and our compass along the journey is our hearts, the very center of the physical system. Connection, attunement, and congruence to this center is vital to our ability and capacity to flourish and thrive on our path. I use the word congruence here as Carl Rogers describes in person-centered therapy: as crucial to a person fully functioning in their most optimal way as it relates to their own personal system.

It should be evident that the term ‘the fully functioning person’ is synonymous with optimal psychological adjustment, optimal psychological maturity, complete congruence, complete openness to experience, complete extensionality, as these terms have been defined. Since some of these terms sound somewhat static, as though such a person ‘had arrived’, it should be pointed out that all the characteristics of such a person are process characteristics. The fully functioning person would be a person-in-process, a person continually changing (Rogers, 1959, p. 235).

Quite often our ability to connect and attune to our internal compass, or become aware, acknowledge, and accept what is congruent for us, can be diminished due to early childhood adversity and subsequent patterning (this will be discussed in another manuscript). However, we can work to redevelop, re-establish, reconnect, and reattune to our hearts through active intention to heal old wounding and patterns that have been passed down for generations within our lineage, whether biological, environmental, or spiritual in nature, and through continued work toward full-embodied congruence. The process then becomes an active engagement of congruence within our internal system with the outside world.

What does it mean to trust the process? I believe it means we surrender to the fact that a process generally means something in a state of flow, flux, and movement to some degree, so awareness of that if we ever feel stuck. It also means surrendering to what the process may bring to our awareness with gentle space-holding and curiosity, acknowledging and accepting it as relevant to our path, precisely because it is before us, with compassion, patience, and a not-too-harsh judgement (sometimes some level of judgment is necessary in order to see incongruence in a pattern; it is only when it becomes overly critical of the self or others that perhaps it hold its tongue a little more during a learning phase). The very essence of a healing journey is to allow us to move through, beyond, and draw to a close old patterning and belief systems that no longer serve the lineage, and to be drawn into new, albeit unfamiliar, but more congruent patterns as the lineage continues its healing work.

As a person who set an intention to open my heart space and heal in the summer of 2017, I am experiencing this process firsthand, and it has been a difficult journey at some points. I truly believe that the most difficult aspects of my personal journey have come to a close, and that although life will still bring pain and suffering to some degree, I feel fully equipped to handle and tolerate whatever else lies before me.  It is for this reason that I am finally able to write about my process with more clarity and articulation.

Now that I have been in this particular process for almost seven years, I am able to see the pendulum effect of healing within my system. Incongruence leads to an imbalance within the system, which will often result in similar patterning as a part of you begins to lean too far in one direction or become out of balance. To give a specific example from my own life, I grew up quite the people-pleaser, passive, and quite incongruent a lot of the time just because I felt the need to be the one responsible for keeping others happy. I realize now I was a sensitive child who has now become a sensitive adult. The sensitive child within me though could not cope very well, and I became an overeater gaining a significant amount of weight yearly. By the time I was in my mid-30s, I was over 300 pounds and in a lot of ways miserable, but in most ways, completely oblivious to it.

It wasn’t until graduate school at Teachers College that the awareness of my physical reality finally broke through when we were instructed to do a Body Scan meditation lying down as a part of a practice we were to maintain for several weeks and then reflect on through a short, written assignment in one of our courses. I attempted this practice many times, and each time, I was unable to finish the practice because I would end up in tears due to the pain in my legs being so great. After enough attempts, it eventually hit me that my legs were hurting so badly because of my weight, and that realization was even more heartbreaking to bear. I had done this to myself. My body was in terrible pain constantly, and I had managed to build a reality where I had no awareness of it. How was this possible? I learned later through my graduate school programs that it’s possible through dissociation, meaning at one level, you can just learn to tune out the screaming incongruence inside, especially if that was a skill honed early on or you just have a natural tendency toward accessing that skillset (i.e. absorption). Rogers describes the pain of incongruence as tension within the physical and psychological system, and I would speculate that unawareness of this pattern for long enough results in a tension that eventually builds to sustained pain within the body and mind. After realization of this particular pattern, I took the steps to have bariatric surgery and thus began my weight loss journey. About mid-way through my weight loss journey, I tried holotropic breathwork for the first time.

I have come to look at my experience in some ways as an ongoing case study, and in a lot of ways, I feel I would be considered an outlier. I believe any attempt to try to understand my breathwork experiences would require a full understanding of my set (as in “set and setting”) going into them. When I tried breathwork for the first time, I had already lost about 100 pounds quite quickly (would go on to lose 180 pounds in total) and had lost about 40% of my hair. I think it is safe to say I had a certain level of malnutrition that was, of course, the point of the procedure—to limit food intake. I also believe the setting I was in was crucial in allowing me to fully let go and be with my grief within the breathwork sessions themselves, and without the community and group process that surrounded my set, I am not sure things would have gone as well as they have. I think adding a holotropic state on top of my baseline set with the setting really helped to prime my capacity to experience my three spontaneous mystical experiences that occurred all within five months of each other, with the first one occurring six hours after the conclusion of my first breathwork session.

I have begun writing a book around the details of all four of my mystical experiences, but to add some detail briefly here: all three of these spontaneous mystical experiences post breathwork had similar content to my first experience at age 21. The main component is always a rotating galaxy, but the colors vary each time. Each of these were also precipitated by a profound swelling of love that seems to override my normal consciousness space, inducing the experiences. For my mystical experience at 21, I saw a white rotating galaxy that was coupled  with divine love. For my second mystical experience, and the first of this series of three, I pictured the face of one of the men at the workshop with the thought around how he was more congruent for my system than the man I was dating at that time, and off I went to viewing a rotating, green galaxy. For me, green is representative of the heart chakra when it comes to my terrain within holotropic states, and given the intention to open my heart space I had set, this felt on par. The second one was induced at the thought of seeing him again and working with him, which we did; as I thought about giving him a hug upon greeting, I was transported again and left viewing a rotating green galaxy with four orange streaks spaced evenly apart. The last experience occurred just before we were to ride to Vermont together for a workshop. I was so excited to see him, but in my daydream space, thought about how I would love to have been able to hold his hand along the way. I was transported for a final time and beheld a rotating, rainbow galaxy. All colors equally placed. This was the last of this series of experiences. It does seem I was quite impacted by daydream and fantasy spaces when coupled with emotional intensity at this time.

The point I am trying to make here is that I feel that my body was in a super sensitive state, and I believe this could have had a significant impact on why I had the experiences at all, and why so many back-to-back. This is just a theory I have for now; it was a good set for them in that sense, even though I would argue malnutrition in general, as well as dehydration, are not advisable modalities for entry into holotropic states if one can help it. I also had my first spontaneous mystical experience at the age of 21 prior to weight loss, so I believe that lets us know I had a proclivity. With each spontaneous mystical experience, my heart continued to blow through all the blocks and walls within it, until I was left in a space of unconditional love.

The journey of integrating these experiences from here on out became a difficult one of working through what felt like years and an entire well of grief that had been stored in my body, or at least accumulating, for just over three decades. Due to the overwhelming nature of trying to process such profound emotion, I felt compelled to compose over 100 poems in an attempt to hold space for the waves I was experiencing and to maintain any shred of a window of tolerance, which could be fleeting. An excerpt from my poem, “Grief, My Darling:”

The sadness you feel is unlike any I’ve known

But you’re here with me now always it seems

A crying woman at the bottom of a well

She’s devastated, gone are her dreams

(Owens, 2022)

These last few years of my grief work have been exacerbated by two rounds of long-COVID, which for me resulted each time in a post-infection, year-long, and mostly encompassing physical, cognitive, emotional, and social diminishment and incapacity, adding a layer of greater, but necessary, difficulty to the process (more to come on this later). The journey of healing the grief and no longer helpful patterning within me has been a terribly painful one, but one that I understand is necessary for my own growth and evolution. At all levels, swinging on the pendulum from the experience of unconditional love to what felt like complete loss of that unconditional love was one of the most difficult spaces I have occupied in this incarnation. As soon as I would allow myself space in the unconditional love, which was incredibly joyful and happy, I was met subsequently with an equal experience of grief and loss, and on and on this cycle went ramping up at its worst and darkest parts and diminishing as the years progressed.

Along with the grief work, other aspects of my system were in flux, and pendulum-swinging and pattern-shifting was occurring across the board. The twists and turns of this subsequent process were numerous, profound, and deep. Finding myself again and again within one part of a pattern and then outside of it, each time spending less and less time within it but with greater and more deeply felt sense of unfortunate consequence with each reentry. And although learning so much each time, I would repeat a pattern until a new way of being within it arose like a new perspective that shimmered just briefly within the dark. I would be tested and tested again, each time getting a little closer to success, yet still at some times, falling again within it just to experience the disappointment of having gotten so far the last few times, just to fall seemingly to the bottom within it again.

The pain and shame cycled until I noticed a difference across multiple domains of experience. As I was slowly growing in my capacity for self-love, self-worth, and self-esteem, the old patterns began to take a greater toll on me—emotionally, physically, psychologically, and spiritually. I would feel, in essence, a greater sense of self-harm by engagement within certain patterns, whereas previously I had seen them as reasonable coping strategies or ways of being. I cannot say that qualitatively the pain was greater, but with more embodiment, it seemed the messages from my system were overall louder, and overt disregard would have its consequences. For example, for many moons in my life, reaching for alcohol after a stressful day or as a means to simply, and innocently, “unwind, kick back, and chill” was the norm, as it has been often in my family (no judgement here by the way; it hasn’t been an easy road for anyone in my lineage). We also come from the southeastern region of the U.S. where culturally, alcohol can be found at almost any event and is often consumed acceptably to celebrate or commiserate. It has been a part of many folks’ lineage, but many of us are also becoming more aware of this pattern of seeking out alcohol as a coping strategy and its subsequent potential detriments, and actively acknowledging and attempting to act in different ways for the sake of ourselves, our family and friends, and future generations. Breaking and healing old lineage patterns that no longer serve the line can be one of the most difficult journeys that one may choose to take, but I do believe it is a worthy one, no matter how difficult the road may get. If you are an individual who has decided to take it upon yourself to break a difficult family pattern, I salute you, and know that you are very brave. Do not give up when things get tough. Source never gives us more than we can handle; it’s just sometimes we forget how strong we truly are. Keep going. Don’t stop. You’ve got this. Onward.

I’ll conclude for now with my poem titled, “Integration.”

It can be difficult to form even a small understanding

When integration becomes about more than just landing

Alternate states of consciousness can throw you around

It’s finding yourself again when you’re back on the ground

Sometimes things don’t resolve quickly

Yet you have to move forward

You’re moving psychic energy

And not just what’s been stored

Make sure there’s self-compassion

Until you come out the other side

Keep patience with your process

As the gems will arise

It’s important to stick with it

And navigate the feeling

Never try to repress them

You’ll just delay your healing

Integration can last a lifetime

And perhaps even beyond

But honoring what comes to you

Will become your magic wand

Your world will begin to change

As your life becomes congruent

Make the shift a priority

And continue working through it

Although the journey can be unpleasant

Decide never to give up

Living by the truth you’ve gleaned

Source will fill your cup

You’ll see the information you’re given

Will be tailored and unique

We all get the messages we need

Not always the ones we seek

Trust that there’s a greater force

That walks forever with you

Then whether your world feels dark or light

Your inner resources will help you continue

You’ll never be left in despair

But you must give time to purge

Just remember “in and through”

And watch the new you emerge

Once you’ve integrated one experience

You’ll be given the next test

Life itself is a series of these

Just always do your best

Some journeys may be harder than others

And some will be much easier

But remember the importance to always trust

Your loving, divine inner healer

(Owens, 2022)

References

Owens, L. T. (2022). Life on the spiritual convoy poetry series: One soul’s attempt to integrate profound mystical experiences after a heart opening. Self-published through Amazon KDP.

Rogers, C. (1959). A theory of therapy, personality, and interpersonal relationships as developed in the client-centered framework. In S. Koch (Ed.), Psychology: A study of a science: Vol. 3: Formulations of the person and the social context (pp. 184-256). New York, NY: McGraw-Hill